semiknockedout


The thing, where I write stuff...

And Nobody Reads It...


(no subject)
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Ha.

(no subject)
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Sick
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I'm so fucking sick of people.

Hypocrites, egotistical arseholes, and the people who blindly follow them around like punchdrunk idiots following a distant fire.

It puts me in the worst mood ever.
I remember a time when I was a kid, where I looked at the world with a sense of wonder and astonishment, amazed by the beauty and complexity of it all. Now I just feel bitter and angry and ripped off, and its people that are to blame.

I don't see how someone with such a superego, a concentrated black hole of self involvement, can still be held in such wide regard. They're the walking punchlines to unfunny jokes, but only a handful of people seem to realise this.

They're enabled, aswell, by people who seem to adore their self involvement like its a sign of charm and wit, when really its just a ruse, and a thinly veiled one at that.

And they toss people away like trash, wincing at the very name of them, and belittling them until they feel like the smallest thing on Earth, cursing his name behind his back, but then grasping at the straws of acceptance the moment they're lowered back down to them, acting as if everything was some big joke and nothing really happened and it wasn't a big deal and they were fine to begin with so whats the issue?

And now that they're back in the bosom of the ego, they forget the people that were there to pick up the pieces of their shattered reputation. The people that lent their shoulders and their ears, and offered solace, and help, and regard.

Afterall, they're not real friends.

No.

They're desposable, all genuine, compassionate people are. They're weak, and easily manipulated, and short sighted and clearly completely stupid. But they were convenient, weren't we.

So fuck you.

Fuck all of you. You two faced hypocritical superego feeding backstabbing harlot fucks. I hope you all choke.

I'm done.

Let it Fall
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I have too many aspirations.
Long term and short term.
I find myself changing my goals from day to day, but in a cycle.
One day I'll want to write and make films.
The next i'll be listening to Radiohead (Its always Radiohead) and I'll think just how much I want to be able to play music. To get up on a stage and play/sing my heart out, and maybe one day give someone the kind of feeling that Radiohead give me. It annoys me that I'm hamfisted with the guitar, and that i'm not talented enough to create something of my own. And its just as bad that i'm majorly tone-deaf and therefore am probably an awful singer. That and I lack the confidence to do anything infront of a few people, let alone a huge crowd.

Plus who do I know that would want to be in a band, let alone with me, an indecisive misanthropic arsehole.

But then I go back to wanting to make films, or writing a sitcom, or a book, or anything. I have the imagination for it, but never the drive. I found myself having an idea for a novel stuck in my head about a week ago, but like most of what I create in my life, it was just the beginning, I had no idea where to take it after that, and that was just the planning.
Then one night, when I couldn't sleep, I found myself trying to type out the introduction to it that had been banging around my head for days on my ipod touch (which has one of the most annoying keyboards know to man).

I havent brought myself to re-read it yet, because i'm sure my sleep deprived mind will have addled it with spelling errors and grammatical atrocities. That and I'm sure I named the main character 'Thom Moore' because I was watching 'Capitalism: A Love Story' at the time. I'm sure the Thom part is obvious.

Me and Matt have also been trying to write a sitcom-ish type thing about two people who are trying to write a sitcom. So far what we've actually written down seems pretty funny, but I think it would only really work in a web series kind of way as I'm not surehow you'd make six 30 minute episodes out of such a simple idea. Its good, but it seems to just have been put on the backburners at the moment seeing as we never have time to write, and I don't really think he's still commited to the idea.

((Side note: Listening to Spotify, just had an ad that said "Hi, I'm Taylor from the Twilight Saga, you are listening to Spotify". Note to self, go back to downloading all of my music and then kill the makers of Spotify))

I'm thinking of going back to trying to write stuff on my own, I'll probably try to run with the writers idea on my own and come up with some stuff that I can then send to Matt for him to look over and add to or edit. In the meantime I might try to start over on the script for the zombie movie I had a full synopsis planned out for.

Until then I will carry on sitting up at 2am listening to Radiohead b-sides and wondering what I'm doing with my life.

(no subject)
semiknockedout
Stop listening to The Prodigy and go to bed.

Realisation
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The person I lie to the most is myself.

Go to sleep, you dumb fuck
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I'm pretty sure i'm suffering from depression, or something is wrong with me.
I hate saying that, I don't want to sound like some whiney fucktard who hears about an illness and automatically thinks/pretends they have it (like Year 11, where EVERYONE had "Multiple Personality Disorder", fucking bullshit), or tells people they do just for attention.
People who do that are cunts, they are the scum of the earth and should be bitchslapped.

Lately I've just been swinging a lot (not in that way, ya perv), but one minute i'll be fine, sociable and friendly, and then the next I'll be a grumpy, pessimistic shell of a cunt who just wants to dissapear into his room and sit on his computer complaining to no-one on a Livejournal account.
There are triggers, I think, and they'll be the stupidest things, like someone will say something, and I'll read it a certain way and it'll pull me into this bad mood that just doesn't let go. It won't ever have to be something obvious, or that was even there in the first place, but if my mind tells me its upset me, it happens. Generally though it just happens when I'm out in the world, I've genuinely lost so much faith in humanity, that just walking through town, observing people and how they squander what they have can make me so angry I just want to fucking scream at them. Its mainly the chavvy motherfuckers you see standing around the bus station, one handon their prams, the other on the Mayfair they're sucking through their greasy fucking faceholes, completely ignoring the coughs of the child inside, or that its dropped its dummy and is crying. I feel so sorry for those children, and it angers me that they're likely to grow up to be no different, due to the example set by people these days. Society is fucked, if I didnt have to go to work I'd probably never leave the house, i'd stay here, crusted into my seat being a bitter husk of a man, avoiding direct sunlight.

But yes, I don't know. I've been toying with the idea of visiting a doctor for some time, I just don't want to seem like an attention whore, or that i'm creating excuses for myself.
I don't want people to be disappointed in me. Altogether, I'm terrified of what people think of me, even those I don't know.


Oh, and Hello again, by the way.


Edit: Also, I think i'm getting stupider. I used to be good at grammar, now I keep fucking up the They're, their, there thing. It scares me.

No alarms
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I just found out that Lucy, My nan's dog was put down today.
Initially I was sad, but she'd gotten very sick, and in the end it was for the best.
Its just strange knowing that the dog I've seen every time I've visited for the last 14 years isn't going to be there next time I visit.

I feel bad aswell, because I havent seen any of them for two years, and it just makes me paranoid that because of work and college taking up all of my time, I'll never have the opportunity to visit them, and since my Grandparents are getting old, and some of them have had health problems, what if I never got to see them again?

I need to find some way of getting some time off of college, or a weekend away from work, just so I can visit, let them know I still exist and I haven't forgotten about them, because I do care.

The only guarantee in life is a life worth dying for
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So, long awaited update.
I may be a little drunk, and thats not nescassarily how I do these things, but still.

Whats going on in my life. I just spent the whole dayin Plymouth, seeing Jackie, who is my new girlfriend and is absolutely brilliant.
I've never met someone I actually have so much in common with, obviously there are things we dont have in common, but thats common in itself, so shut up, Mr Pedantic.
She's absolutely lovely and she makes me happy and I hope she feels the same.
I miss her, as she is at Uni at the moment, we only really had two days together properly before she left, I would have liked to have more, but I was a nervous wreck and was to unconfident to make a move. I'm so glad I did, and after tonight it feels like the initial awkwardness is gone..

I am so hungry right now, its inhumane.

Other than that,nothing is new really.
I'm currently in an unhealthy love affair with a certain Sailor Jerry, and I wish I knew how to quit him.
I'm doing a third year of QMC, And I hate everyone else there already.
I miss Reading Festival already, and I wish Radiohead were there every year, ever.
I love each and every one of you.
Love all the people, Its just a ride.




Oh, and I miss Jackie, yeah?

(no subject)
semiknockedout
brb, reading festival

?

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